What do I do?

I don't know what to do to make everything back to normal. Please tell me. I know I was in the wrong. But what do I do? Should I just disappear?

I got over it

I was so naïve all this while. The big picture was shown so clearly and I was too blind to realise it. How dumb can I be? After the conversation I had yesterday, I sat down and thought about it. I realised that I had been really dumb. They didn’t want me to be a captain because they were concern about me. My results were bad and if I were to become a captain, my results will just get worst. It was so obvious but I was too blind.

I wrote a message to Chris, Geraldine and WeiSong. Only Chris and Geraldine acknowledge it. But I don’t think WeiSong did. I think he is angry and I understand it. I told him the fact because I don’t want to lie no more. I told him that, in the beginning, I blame him for making me lose the captaincy. I know I misunderstood him. I know he had no ill-intention. But I was stubborn. I was stupid.

I hope that he don’t hold a grudge against me because it really sucks to have people to hate you. I don’t like it. I hope you understand that. I’m sorry

Confused

Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. If I am, I'm sorry.

An innocent person in disguise

Everything bad is starting to come together. It’s as though everything have been planned out nicely on a piece of paper.

Never thought, never knew that you were the one. That night when we trashed it all out, I remembered asking whether you could forget everything that I’ve done wrong and you said you would. I seek for your forgiveness and you ‘forgave’ me. I tried to change, I changed. But what did you see? Nothing. Everything that I do, to you, it’s wrong. I stopped what you told me to stop doing. I did.

And now, guess what. I realized that you haven’t forgiven me whole-heartedly yet. During the choosing of captaincy, I heard my vote was more. I never thought you would shoot out every single bad point about me just to bring me down. I never did. It is not as though I didn’t change, I DID. FREAKING GOD DAMN IT. I DID! When I heard what you did, to be honest, I was filled with hatred, anger and I wanted to hammer you. You did that to me despite me having so much respect to you. Unwanted tears actually came out and I bit my lips and tried to hold it back. I did. I told myself to be strong. I was.

I felt that I’ve changed so much and I no longer feel like myself. I knew I had to change for the better. I tried my best. I dare say I am 80% there. But you never acknowledge it. You never did.

Before this captaincy thing, I trained so hard just to hope to become a captain. You may not think that being a captain is a big deal. But to me, it is a HUGE deal. It was actually a motivation for me to work hard be it studies or sports. I wanted it so badly because I want my parents to stop looking down at me and I want to change the way everyone sees me. I didn’t want to tell you about it because I felt scared, I felt… intimidated. I said that being a captain in Montfort didn’t really play a huge impact on me. But being a captain in SAJC meant a huge impact on me because I would like to have the experience to control a much mature team.

It’s not that I’m against the team now. I’m just really disappointed, Disappointed in myself and disappointed in you. The respect I had for you is actually fading away. I hope you’re happy with what you did. I hope you’re glad for making me this way. Thank you very much, my ‘friend’

I know that the decision has been made. Nothing will change. I will get over it but it will take me time. For those people who had read this, please acknowledge or do something so that I know you have read and feel my pain. For any of my tennis mate who has read this, if I’m wrong, please correct me. I would like to clear that misunderstanding.

Bang --> Head --> Death --> I'll smile

I really wonder, what do some parents think their children as? A slave, I suppose? Dad you are back to your old fucking self. I thought you get the idea on why I didn’t like coming home. But it seems that I was wrong. Today, it had been a really hectic and horrible day. I like using the word horrible cause it makes everything sounds damn shitty, but it is a fact. Horrible, is my new word. Horrible, Horrible, Horrible.

First of all, when my mum woke me up at about 8 for my tuition and I told her that I cancelled the tuition because I needed to do my PW, she got so fucking worked up and study scolding and bragging about it. It was really annoying and I just kept quiet. I thought I made a smart choice by keeping quiet. But it turns out the other way. My mum came into my room every 5 minutes to scold me for cancelling tuition. But that was not all. Whenever pretended to sleep and ignore her, she will just come to my bed and beat me. Seriously, I’m a grown up. I don’t need all your soft pussy hits. She nagged until it was about 10 and I got so frustrated that I stomped out of my bedroom and went to do my things. Come on, what’s done is done. It can’t be undone. Just get over it.

The time that I really enjoyed today was when it was PW. My PW group met up in my house and we did our work. It was rather draining because we did the work from 3 to about 6 plus straight WITHOUT ANY BREAK. When I finally thought I can rest, my stupid dad started scolding me for not doing my work. Oh come on, do I look like a robot to you? I need some rest you know? Even machinery needs something called fuel to continue their work! I’m a human! Human needs something call break! You dumb fuck. I know I have no right in calling you a dumb fuck but seriously, you acting like one! So fuck off, dumb fuck.

I have been enjoying my life until today. It had been going quite smoothly. Melissa left for Australia yesterday and the tennis team sent her off. I can’t wait for her to be back. It’s really fun hanging out with her. Now, I’m really in love with school. In school, there is no such thing as PARENTS that will control your life. In school, they treat you like young adults. They don’t beat you, they don’t control you. It’s more of living in a life of your own. In school, you don’t have to quarrel with anyone but instead, you can laugh more than you frown. In school, you get to see everyone, people you like, people who are your friends, people who are really concern about you and people who console you when you’re down. But at home, you have to suffer in silence, get wack by your parents, get scolded by your parents and you DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT have the authority to voice your unhappiness and to voice out why you did that. To parents, what’s wrong is wrong. Even if you’re in the right and your parent sees it as wrong, it’s wrong. Everyone has been saying ‘Life is unfair, get over it’. I have been trying. But it doesn’t seem to be working for me. Maybe one day, I will go crazy and be that autistic guy that killed himself by banging his head. I’m not trying to make fun of him. But I can picture myself doing that. If I die, I will make my funeral a happy funeral. I want to make my parents smile for making me crazy. I want to make them smile for torturing me mentally. I want to make them smile for every fucking things that I did correctly but they say that I was wrong.

If I know that the life of JC was that stressful for me, I wouldn’t have gone to a JC. I would have gone to a poly and have fun for all I care. I don’t need to worry anything about tuition. I just need to set my priorities right and everything will be alright. But on another note, if I didn’t go to a JC, I wouldn’t have met all this fabulous friends of mine, who have been standing by my side and supporting me even when there is an up and down. I love them, I feel loved. They are like my family, a second family. Maybe better…

Show me the road to heaven

Long long day today. Had lessons up till 5! 5 you know! It's freaking late! I don't know shit about functions and I'm starting to get irritated with all the stuffs that I don't know. Well, in order to balance stupid study life, I had something planned ahead. I went to some board game place at Doby. I can't remember the name of the place. But it was rather innovative to have this kind of shop. A place for educational fun!

I get to hang out with Melissa and the tennis team! Ever since she came back from Australia, my life have been pretty fun! Sadly, she's leaving for Australia this Saturday and we must take this opportunity to spend quality time with her before she leave AGAIN!

We played this game called Imaginite. It was really enjoyable. I was the last to leave the start point but I manage to finish the game first! Heehee beginners luck. I suppose=)(But actually, it was pure skills). After that Imaginite game we went to play jenga. Life is such a bitch, I swear. There's was this piece that was very easy to take out. But my stupid hands had to screw it all up. The jenga tower fell all thanks to my stupid trembling hand. And because of that, I had to do the fore fit. I was seriously damn sad. The fore fit was very embarrassing but for the everyone's laughter, it was worth it. Bring joy to the team and people around me is just AWESOME! I like!

Swineeee Fluuuuu

Gosh. Another one down.

6 remainding survivors.(BenjaminLim, BrandonFoo, ChrisCheng, DionneSim, GeraldineLeong,YapWeiSong)
2 infected(JeromeLow, RussellAng).
How long will they last? Who will be the last man standing? Who will prevent the spreading? Find out in the days to come.

I swear it's super left 4 dead. Infected and survivors.
Infected-Affected by Swine Flu
Survivors-Unaffected by Swine Flu