An innocent person in disguise

Everything bad is starting to come together. It’s as though everything have been planned out nicely on a piece of paper.

Never thought, never knew that you were the one. That night when we trashed it all out, I remembered asking whether you could forget everything that I’ve done wrong and you said you would. I seek for your forgiveness and you ‘forgave’ me. I tried to change, I changed. But what did you see? Nothing. Everything that I do, to you, it’s wrong. I stopped what you told me to stop doing. I did.

And now, guess what. I realized that you haven’t forgiven me whole-heartedly yet. During the choosing of captaincy, I heard my vote was more. I never thought you would shoot out every single bad point about me just to bring me down. I never did. It is not as though I didn’t change, I DID. FREAKING GOD DAMN IT. I DID! When I heard what you did, to be honest, I was filled with hatred, anger and I wanted to hammer you. You did that to me despite me having so much respect to you. Unwanted tears actually came out and I bit my lips and tried to hold it back. I did. I told myself to be strong. I was.

I felt that I’ve changed so much and I no longer feel like myself. I knew I had to change for the better. I tried my best. I dare say I am 80% there. But you never acknowledge it. You never did.

Before this captaincy thing, I trained so hard just to hope to become a captain. You may not think that being a captain is a big deal. But to me, it is a HUGE deal. It was actually a motivation for me to work hard be it studies or sports. I wanted it so badly because I want my parents to stop looking down at me and I want to change the way everyone sees me. I didn’t want to tell you about it because I felt scared, I felt… intimidated. I said that being a captain in Montfort didn’t really play a huge impact on me. But being a captain in SAJC meant a huge impact on me because I would like to have the experience to control a much mature team.

It’s not that I’m against the team now. I’m just really disappointed, Disappointed in myself and disappointed in you. The respect I had for you is actually fading away. I hope you’re happy with what you did. I hope you’re glad for making me this way. Thank you very much, my ‘friend’

I know that the decision has been made. Nothing will change. I will get over it but it will take me time. For those people who had read this, please acknowledge or do something so that I know you have read and feel my pain. For any of my tennis mate who has read this, if I’m wrong, please correct me. I would like to clear that misunderstanding.